


welcome back to me screaming

by frogbackpack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Sam Winchester-centric, also also, also like, also sorry if this is rlly ooc h, at this point half the shit i write is me venting, big tw, but like also theres a lotta talk abt calories, i wrote most of this a hile ago when i was on season 3? i think? 3 or four i cant remember, ofc fo r eating disorder stuff, so i apologize if its not super up to date, so if that bothers u maybe dont read thiss, this is lowkey big projection on my part, which like honestly is anyone surprised
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 19:28:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17689433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogbackpack/pseuds/frogbackpack
Summary: Another case, another greasy diner, another chance for Sam to slip up.wow what a summary way to go me





	welcome back to me screaming

**Author's Note:**

> i know i put this in the tags but like trigger warnign for like ed shit n a lot of calorie talk (not THAT much but still)
> 
> also fun fact i wrote most of this at a restaurant bc i was nervoud abt food oopsie

Sam tried to hide it.

He tried to hide the skipped meals, the counting of calories, the smell of vomit he tried desperately not to reek of.

Nobody knew of the journal he kept hidden at the bottom of his bag. The one filled page to page with numbers, depressed rambles, and whatever else he needed to rid his mind from.

He knew if Dean ever found out about it he'd flip his shit. That's why he hid it to the best of his abilities. That, and he didn't want to burden his brother. He didn't need to add any worry to his already hectic life.

Sometimes Sam would notice Dean give him the look. The same one he gave often after Jess died and when the nightmares started. the one he uses when he knows Sam's up to something, or when he knows he's not okay and lying about it. But other than that, Dean was clueless. And Sam preferred it that way.

Now here they were, in some state working a case, when Dean suggests grabbing a bite.

Another case, another greasy diner, another chance for Sam to slip up. Just fuckin peachy.

“Can I get you two anything to drink?” The waitress asked. Dean replied saying he'd like a soda. Filled with calories, no doubt.

“I'd like a water, please.” Sam says, smiling.

The waitress smiled and nodded, before walking away to fetch their drinks.

“Alright, so…” Dean began, going onto the topic of their current case, Sam occasionally providing theories and various bits of information he'd found out from the locals, library, and so on.

They'd come up with nothing new by the time the waitress came back. “What can I get you boys to eat?” She asked.

“Bacon cheeseburger with fries for me. And…” he motioned for Sam to order something as well.

Sam could feel their eyes on him as he tried not to panic. This is why he hated restaurants. He hated that he had to eat or Dean would suspect something.

It feels like his mouth is working against his mind as he orders. Against his progress, against the nagging voice yelling at him, ‘Just say you're not hungry. Just drink your water. No one's gonna care, if they even bother to notice.’ 

He orders a salad, dressing on the side. Dean chuckles out something about Sam's choice of ‘rabbit food,’ as he put it. It wasn't serious. Sam knew it was nothing more than a brotherly tease, but that didn't stop him from regretting ordering anything at all.

Sam tries his best to brush it off with a forced laugh and changes the subject. 

The two talk for a little while longer before their meals arrive. Dean begins digging in almost immediately, while Sam eyes his plate, dreading the fact that he's going to have to eat its contents.

It's fine, he tries to convince himself, he'll just go for another run when they get back to their motel room.

Something he notices, that's just the icing on top of the cake that is this shit show of a dining experience, is the dressing is most certainly not on the side. It's slathered rather messily on his salad.

He doesn't want to be that guy. The kind of guy who would request a whole new salad all because of a minor mistake. He didn't want to risk drawing attention to himself. So he decides sucking it up and consuming the few extra calories is better than making a scene, as much as he just wants to not eat it at all.

The first bite slips past his lips and he resists the urge to spit it back out after chewing it a few times. He swallows and feels it hit his empty stomach. He knows he's going to miss the hunger. Until it returns after he inevitably refuses to eat for at least a day after this, that is. 

He sips his water in between every bite, counting the number of times he chews each tiny mouthful. Dean doesn't notice the way his brother is talking more than usual, trying to avoid eating too much by filling the space with words instead.

Speaking of, Dean is almost finished. Sam's been paying close attention to his burger since the waitress brought it to their table. The sight of it is enough for Sam to start guessing the exact calorie count of it. 

Rough estimate? Around 300-500 calories. Counting the soda, add another 100. 

Sam didn't want to think about the calorie contents in his own meal, but his mind couldn't let him forget about it.

He tried pushing the thought away. Just enjoy your meal, he tried convincing himself. Not that it was working in the slightest.

Dean slides his empty plate away from him as he speaks, “Almost done, Sammy?”

Sam still has more than half of his food left, but he nods, not wanting to finish what he didn't want to eat in the first place.

Dean leaves money for the food on the table and the two leave, already planning for their current hunt.

While the monster hunting plan continues, Sam's planning on how to rid himself of everything he just ate. He has a few ideas.

**Author's Note:**

> thannk u for reading this hot mess of a fic sorry it was highkey ooc im not good at what i do :'') also srry the ending succs :((


End file.
